In the midnight hour

I’m the only one awake. Wide awake. It seems to be a norm for me the last few weeks. My mind is playing tricks on me.

During the Christmas holidays, my doctor decided to increase my dosage to twice the amount I was originally taking. But instead of a change in my emotions, it changed me physically. Severe headaches. The kind of pain where it hurts to move my head in any direction. The kind of pain where it hurts to walk. Yeah … that bad.

When I contacted my doctor after 2 weeks (thinking the side effects would subside by then), she changed me back to my original dosage. What a horrible waste of time and money. And since I started back on the old meds I can’t seem break a case of insomnia.

Honestly, I am not sure if I can blame the medication on insomnia, but it sounds legit. I’d rather be asleep by 11pm than to get sleepy around 2am then wake up late the next morning. It seems the wheels start turning when it’s time to rest. Thinking about major house repairs, my new book (release date January 25), looking for a new job, thinking about my next book’s storyline …. and it all comes together late in the midnight night hour.

So, I won’t complain. My thoughts could easily be involuntary and totally uncontrollable in a worse way. I think I will start making myself go to bed a little earlier than usual.

Well believe it or not, writing helped me get sleepy. I’ve dropped the phone in my face twice. Time to call it a night!

Until next time … be blessed!

I never forgot

I am my own worst critic. I have to remind myself of this on my bad days. Because well… I am my own worst critic. Sometimes I wonder just when did my self-esteem get ruined? Or maybe I should ask how many times has it gotten ruined? There were plenty. More times than I care to count. More importantly, from the very people I cared about the most.

As little kids, there are some that have the perfect hair on the perfect head. Even with missing teeth, they have the perfect little smile that melts many hearts. On the other hand, there are kids (like myself at that age) who get bullied because of their appearance. Kids are bullied because of skin color, or the type of clothes they wear, or a speech impediment, or one ear might be bigger than the other {I am reaching, but you get the point}. It is horrible but it is a true fact. However, every child is ‘perfect’ in God’s sight, but man sees imperfections.

When I was quite younger, I would sometimes be called unattractive names by my own relatives. I’m not talking about cousins my age. I’m talking about grown adults. NEWSFLASH – words do hurt! And kids always remember the bad things that happened in their life. So, I never forgot. In fact, I believed it. For a long time, if I looked in the mirror, that is what I saw – ugliness. I saw me. I didn’t want to smile for fear of being ridiculed about my teeth. I didn’t want to talk because all eyes would be directly on me. However, there was no way around it. I just had to deal with it as best as I could.

For a long time, I never had a boyfriend. I was told I was too ‘standoffish’. Humm… I guess that is because I really didn’t have the confidence to really talk to anyone or to be talked to. I never thought that anyone would like me or truly cared. Sure, I was told by guys how beautiful I was – as they gazed at every part of my body except my face. (sigh)

There came a time when I thought maybe someone did truly love me. After 25 years of holding on to the belief that there would never be anyone for me, I was rescued. Or so I thought. Instead of being saved, I was engulfed in emotional and psychological abuse. I would never, ever make light of people who have been physically abused. But anyone who has ever been emotionally abused can attest that that can be just as painful – emotionally being stripped of your dignity and self-worth. When your ‘abuser’ says you are getting big (from a size 8 to a size 12) and that he doesn’t love me anymore, hey that “IT’S TIME TO MOVE ON TRAIN” had started its engine and I was ready to leave that situation. And I did. Little did I know back then, I had more self-worth than I gave myself credit for. I thank God for the courage and the wisdom to believe in myself and know that after 8 years, I deserved better.

Sometimes, I still get those self-esteem issues. My husband gives me positive affirmations every day about his love for me and how beautiful I am. The best part is … I BELIEVE HIM!!! It is such a good feeling to know that God blessed me with someone who loves me for me. Not for what I have or don’t have, not for what I should be or could be, but he loves me for just being me. Period. I am still a work in progress. I am working on loving all of my imperfections because MY MAN loves me just the way I am! All size 16 of me!!

Until next time … be blessed!

Being alone

It sucks being an introvert. However, it is hard coming out of your shell when you feel so safe in the inside. I wasn’t that way in the beginning. I don’t know what happened. Life, I guess.

In my younger days (some 30 + years ago) even though I was depressed, I wanted to get away. Getting away from my environment was ideal. I hated sitting at home by myself. Since I was an only child, needless to say it was boring. Those who had siblings would venture to say that I was crazy not to enjoy being home with no one to bother you. On the contrary, it was very lonely. Often times in my early adulthood, I would go places by myself. Not sure if it was more so because I was used to being by myself or I just didn’t have a lot of friends to ask to accompany me.

As I got older, my mindset changed some. With my first marriage, it was all about family. I was all about my children. My main focus was taking care of them. There was nothing outside of home that was more important than them. However when I divorced and my children had gotten older, that urge to ‘go out’ came back. Maybe I was in the “I need a break” mode. When the kids were old enough to stay home alone, I ventured out with a few friends, just to socialize with ‘grown folks’. And then somewhere in there, I got lost again. Friends would want to go out, I didn’t. My depression wouldn’t let me. During that time, it was severe. I had a lot of things going on and having a good time wasn’t deserving to me. I was at the lowest point in my life. So the friends stopped calling because I would always make an excuse not to go. It was nothing against them. It was ALL me. So then it got to a point where I was lonely again.

Now that I am much older, I enjoy being alone (with my husband of course). I don’t have anyone to ‘hang out’ with (girlfriends) since moving to a different state. And it’s OK. The way my anxiety is set up, it is probably best anyway. These anxiety attacks can be not only scary for me, but for someone else who is not used to this dilemma. I am so glad that my husband understands when I grab his hand and close my eyes, that means an attack is rearing its ugly head. He knows. He calms me. He is my peace. Maybe someday, I will have girlfriends who will understand my issues and accept them for what it is. It’s not contagious, just a nuisance.

Until next time… be blessed.

Happy 2019

We made it through chapter 2018. Today is the first day of chapter 2019. Ready or not, it’s here. And we can’t (or we shouldn’t) look back. Yesteryear is gone.

The end of 2018 had alot of (what’s a good word?) trials for our family. If you don’t believe in spirituality, you won’t get this … but the devil was really trying to defeat us. It was one thing after another, after another, after another. It was truly a test of my patience. And I am not very patient anymore (especially as I have gotten older). I told my husband that there are reasons behind why ‘this’ wasn’t working out and ‘why’ this happened. That’s when it was time to fall back and let God work things out for us.

Our New Year’s Eve took a left turn off of our course. However, there is no need to worry about that either. It is what it is. And it definitely could have been alot worse. It happened and we can’t change it now. So why worry? Sometimes it’s easier said than done but nowadays, that is my motto. The goal now is to access our problem and take whatever course of action that is necessary to correct it.

I am thankful that my husband and I can communicate about everything. We discuss the ‘what ifs’ and the ‘can we’ so that we can go forward to make things happen. This is one of the many reasons why I love him. We brainstorm, talk about plans and make it work. And if it doesn’t work, we always go to another option. There is no one-sided conversation about what we are going to do. We both give 100% each.

So indeed, I am thankful, grateful and blessed for the opportunity to live to see another year. Despite the obstacles that are inevitable, we will still continue to press forward – no looking back. I hope everyone that reads this will be abundantly filled with greatness and prosperity in the new year.

Until next time… be blessed!

Peace spot

Everyone wants to feel safe or have a place of refuge. It may been in a church, it could be in a library, or it could be in the comfort of someone else’s home. But my place of refuge is my bathroom.

Yes, you read that right. It may seem strange. Why not just go in another room or even a closet … but a bathroom? Let me explain. My bathroom is in the master bedroom. It is in a corner away from EVERYTHING. There is a small window to look out of and on those rainy days, it has the best visual and audio of outside that you can imagine. I can see the trees and the sky and can tell just what kind of day it will be. The sun rises and sets away from the window so it is never too bright in there. Then there are the candles. I’ll light two at a time, sometimes three. However, I make sure the scents of the candles do not overpower each other.

But the best part about my safe spot is the small tower heater. My husband is always hot. I am cold-natured. So, having direct heat during these cool, sometimes cold winter days, is perfect for me. While the entire house is sub-zero degrees, I’m in my little heat box (lol). So with the heat, the smell from the candles and an outside view, I have THE perfect spot – my peace spot.

Now don’t think I am just there to handle ‘business’. On the contrary, I normally sit ‘on top’ of the commode just to have a few moments to myself. No TV, no computer, no noise and sometimes no phone. My husband will sometime peep in to check on me… or it could be just to see what I am doing (lol). Either way, he is very supportive of my quiet time. Even if it is in the bathroom. Some people have their greatest ideas while in the bathroom. Hey, that is the perfect time to ‘think’. In fact, I am in my peace spot now typing this blog.

When you suffer from depression, sometimes you want to be alone in your own thoughts. Not in a negative way, it’s just the nature of the beast – we are always thinking. Well… at least I do. So why not utilize my quiet time to think … and write. Now that you know my peace spot, what is yours?

Until next time … be blessed!

Today was a good day

Merry Christmas! I made it through the day. {smile} No sadness, no crying, no thinking negatively… today was a good day.

I must admit. My Christmas Eve sucked. The doctor started me on a higher dosage of medication and it had my head hurting ALL DAY! I literally felt the effects of the meds oozing throughout my body an hour after I took it. Ugh!!! I tried extra hard to enjoy the day with my husband. We went to the movies and had lunch afterwards. Even through the pain, he always manages to put a smile on my face {that’s one of the many reasons why I love him so}.

Today, I made the choice to skip a day of the medicine just so I could enjoy a day without any pain. I succeeded! I know… I should not have skipped. And I would never recommend anyone doing that. But I just needed this one day to celebrate Jesus’ birth with my family – pain free. I will take it tomorrow, I promise.

The morning started off with holiday music playing throughout my bedroom. Just a little something to jump start my mood. Then my hubby and I prepared a non-traditional Christmas meal consisting of grilled steak, grilled veggies, tuna salad and a few other items. It was spectacular! Lastly, we topped off our meal with sweet potato pie and coffee. While the guys watched basketball all day (and I mean ALL day), I piddled around and entertained myself with social media and played gin rummy on my phone.

As I wind down from today, I am reflecting on the blessings that God has bestowed upon me. I am blessed. I am truly blessed beyond measure. I know this, even though sometimes my mind has me thinking otherwise.

Until next time… be blessed!

‘Tis the season to be jolly

Sadness is trying to creep up on me. Why? I don’t know. Maybe it is this seasonal depression thing. Or it could be all in my mind.

Two of my three children are away for the holidays. I feel kinda lost without them. They have been in my life for 22 and 18 years. Although I get sad about them being away, I want them to enjoy their ‘life’ while they still can. Tomorrow is never promised… live today! I can still remember those excited little faces when it was time to open Christmas gifts. I would always let them open at least one gift on Christmas Eve. Just to see their excitement brought joy to my heart. We didn’t have a lot then but I always made due with what I had. Looking back, I don’t believe they were ever unhappy. That was always (and still is) important to me.

That was my mission in life … to make sure that my kids were never without. Their gifts were never filled with name brand things and it was never too expensive for my budget. I remember one year, I bought a Wii as a family gift. I made sure to get games that all of us could play. I wasn’t as good as the kids were with Super Mario, but they got a kick out of watching me lose. But hey, I got my revenge with Jeopardy. They were not as smart as I was back then (LOL). Now… I think I would have some serious competition because I raised two intelligent young adults. They would give me a run for my money!!

As I sat and reflected on all of the good times we had when it was just me and my two children, I am trying my best to make ‘new and memorable’ memories with my new family. My husband is beyond what I could have ever asked God for. He is strong, compassionate, intelligent, loving, supportive, a hard worker … the list goes on. I love him with all of my being. And together, we get to celebrate Christmas and a birthday with the youngest before the new year begins. A new year means a new journey is about to begin… for all of us.

So to chase off this sadness, I decided to get up and bake a sweet potato pie. The sweet potatoes are boiling and the house smells of cinnamon and nutmeg. If that isn’t a ‘feel good’ smell to get your mind right, I don’t know what is.

Until next time … be blessed!