Triggered

I am sitting in my ‘peace spot’ and looking out of the window. It is such a gloomy, rainy, chilly day. I would love to go out, have lunch with my husband and enjoy the day together. But there is a problem. I don’t want to get dressed. 😑 So, I will sit in my comfy long johns all day. I may just go into my son’s room just to experience a different environment in the house. I’ll pull his curtains back, watch the rain and snuggle under his heated blanket.

I haven’t been in the best of moods the last few days so I probably wouldn’t be good company anyway. My son went back to college after spending the Christmas break here. I did shed quite a few tears when he left. Not nearly as much as I did his first year of college. I have conditioned my mind to know he will be alright so my spirit is at ease. My ‘sadness’ is not because of him.

My sadness this time is something I beat myself up about all of the time – my self-esteem. Same show, just a different day. It’s funny how a complete stranger can compliment you on the very thing (or one of a few things) you were self-conscious about. That happened earlier this week inside of a gas station. He wasn’t flirting or anything because he was joking around with the 2 ladies behind the counter. He complimented me then went right back to talking to those ladies. Things like that make me wonder if God is using other people to ‘snap’ me out of my feelings. Like “Hey Wendy … stop thinking about that!” I know He does. He does it all of the time. Sometimes I am just too fractured to really listen.

A hairline fracture… not broken. I’ve been broken before. Broken to where ever part of my body – inside and out – hurts. Broken to the point where my life didn’t seem worth living anymore. Oh, no… I’m not broken. It’s only fractured where my healed pieces start to bother me. A small hairline – you can barely see it but it still hurts. You know like when you know rain is coming because your bones start to ache? Then after the rain subsides, the pain does too? Hummm… I like that analogy. 😏 So yes, sometimes those things that I feel I healed from (self-esteem) will start to hurt from time to time. It’s not like I dwell on them constantly. There are people or certain things that can actually ‘trigger’ these feelings after they have been tucked away into the darkness. I certainly don’t ask for it to come out because I know how it makes me feel. I just need to get a grip on myself and not absorb some the shock of it all. I may have too change my attitude about some things. For a Pisces, that may not be a good thing to do, so I digress. I’ll figure it out somehow.

Well, I guess I’ll leave my ‘peace spot’ now because my sciatic nerve is screaming “get off of me!” ** For those of you who don’t know where my ‘peace spot’ is, go check out my blog from December 2018. 😉** I hope everyone that reads this have a great day… or evening (depending on where you are).

Until next time … be blessed.

Distractions

I need some motivation. I need something, anything, that will “jump-start” my mind to starting focusing. Right now, my visions are all over the place. Distractions have found a nesting place and I just can’t get settled. Has anyone ever felt that way? Unsettled?

Well yours truly is riddled with that ‘unsettling’ feeling. This is definitely not a good thing to have when you are already an overthinker. There’s no telling what my mind would start to process.

I called myself taking a hiatus from Facebook. Trust me … it is a good thing, however FB was my ‘getaway’ place when I became stressed. Current events, celebrations and even the lives of some miserable people 😏 became a way to focus off of my life – just for a moment. However, those moments became minutes, then hours. So now, I need to find another way to de-stress.

I would love very much to go to a secluded place – a beach or mountains maybe – to just write. No outside distractions, just write. But because of terrible foreign matters that are going on between countries, it’s probably best to stay where I am and fervently pray for our servicemen and women. I won’t include any political viewpoints on my blog (right now). Just know, I am not at all happy about the tensions certain individuals have caused. **See … DISTRACTION!!!!*** 🙄

Our son is going back to college next weekend (DISTRACTION) so I’m more than sure my emotions will be all over the place. 😔 My daughter is seeking new adventures in Nursing (DISTRACTION). My steroid injection is wearing off 🥺 (DISTRACTION). [Jesus, keep me near the cross.] But, I am more than a conqueror. I have survived wa-a-a-y more than this so I know I will overcome. I will!

Until next time … be blessed.

Happy New Year! ðŸ¥‚🍾

I can’t believe another year has come and gone. 365 days ago we were dealing with a tree that fell on our roof just before midnight. What a way to begin 2019.

Here we are now. God has kept our family healthy, safe and blessed throughout the year! I can’t complain. Well…. I can, but I won’t. Life hasn’t been too kind healthwise. I am thankful just to be here. I don’t say that often because depression puts me in another space. But I am thankful. I am BLESSED!

I stopped making resolutions a while ago. No need in psyching myself out to obtain goals that I don’t plan on keeping. Instead I will work on minor goals and build on that. I want to work on some ideas with my husband as well.

As Mark and I sit by our outside fire pit, all is well. I feel a sense of peace. Calmness. A beautiful feeling that it took literally all of my life to obtain. Literally! What an amazing thing God has done for me. I love this man beyond words.

Well my beautiful readers, I am going back to enjoy the remaining few hours of 2019 with my love. I pray each and every one of you have a safe and prosperous 2020.

Until next time … BE BLESSED!!!

2020 … I'm Ready For You

What a year! 2019 has been trivial healthwise, but still a great year. I really can’t complain about anything. I have been married for a 20 months, I self-published my first book in January, I turned 50 in March, I am learning my way around in the city of Birmingham, I’ve visited quite a few cities (states) I’ve never been to before, I’ve met some great people … 2019 doesn’t owe me anything.

At the same time, I’ve learned some things about myself that I need to change. I have been feeling lost over the last few months. My direction has been altered off the beaten path. One of the most important changes I plan to make in 2020 is distancing myself from social media. I feel as if it has became a habitual nuisance, in a sense, because I find myself focusing more on what’s going on in other people’s lives versus focusing on my own goals. Therefore, I am wasting too much time that I can never get back. Yes, I love catching up with my friends/family. But at the same time, I could spend my time more wisely doing other things.

Secondly, another change is to focus on my future goals. I have a few ideas stirring around in my head and they are all moving in different directions like a kaleidoscope. I need some balance to guide me in the direction God has for me to go. I have other changes also, but if I can take care of the main two, I know everything else will fall into place.

At one time, I used to be a little discouraged because when I got married, I moved and didn’t have any friends nor family near. As time passed, I realized that all of the things I wanted and needed (hanging out with friends and/or family), I already had in my husband.

Mark has been such a blessing to me in more ways than I can count. And I see now that having him prevents other distractions that could possibly cause confusions. He’s always been so supportive of my journey, through the good times and bad. He is the best friend I have always desired in a mate and God blessed me with him. So as I make these important changes and get the balance I need, having Mark by my side is EVERYTHING!

2020 … I am ready for you with opened arms. More importantly, I am ready for you with my husband right by my side!

Until next time … be blessed.

Introducing SKYY

Wow! What an eye-opening day! I still get tickled thinking about today’s event. I knew this day would come… I was hoping I had more time. But time waits for no man (or wo-man). 😂 I am not excluded.

Introducing SKYY… like the sky is blue!

Yes, I gave my cane a name, so don’t judge me. I might as well name her since she will be very close to me at all times. My husband was with me when I went to the DME (durable medical equipment) store. There wasn’t much of a colorful selection of canes. But this flashy ‘lady’ caught my eye. There were several black canes, which would go with all of my clothes, but it was too basic. There was also a dull bronze cane . but it was just that – dull. Then, there was a camouflage cane… that is not my style. However, this bright sky blue and silver beauty sure did catch my eye!

I tried it out as soon as I left the store. I can feel the difference walking with it versus walking without. Since my spinal stenosis and sciatica are really painful, I’ll do whatever I need to do in order to get relief.

I should be feeling some type of way about walking with a cane. 😏 Geeeeez … A CANE! Even my own mother who is over 70 never used a cane. Yeah … I know everyone ages differently (at least I don’t look 50 – so I am told). But I realize more and more each day that I am getting older. And with age, some parts of my body can’t stay 20 years old forever. My knees sound like Rice Krispies, my eyesight is getting blurrier and now that the bones in my spine are degenerating, I need a cane to help me stay mobile. And with all of that being said, I am still alive.

So if you see me in the streets with Skyy, don’t pass judgement. Even if you do pass judgement, that’s ok too. I will do what is necessary to keep fulfilling what I need to do in life – with a cane. I am grateful and blessed that I am still able to move around (even with pain).

Until next time … be blessed.

Today WILL be a good day

I can feel my myself slipping. Slipping right into that dark space I hate residing in. I don’t want to go there, not today. Today is a day of Thanksgiving, not sulking. 😖 《sigh》

I spent most of the morning and afternoon cooking yesterday. My intention was to reserve this day for relaxing and enjoying my time with my husband, son and Rico. But I started reminiscing about the Thanksgiving holidays I spent with my daughter and son. The three of us would spend the day eating, watching movies, playing card games, playing the Wii and eating some more. For 12 years, it was just us. Now, they are grown and doing their own thing. It hurts sometimes that I don’t get to see them during the holidays. Obviously, it bothers me more than I care to talk about with anyone.

Somehow, I have to refocus my distracted mind on what’s important. Please don’t get me wrong … I am thankful. I am blessed. I am happy my entire family is alive and healthy. I am beyond appreciative that I have this opportunity to have such a beauty family. I am. But this ole mind of mine does the absolute most sometimes but trailing off the straight path. It likes to veer off to the left. But today, I will control the path I go down.

With that being said, I think I will go in my PEACE SPOT and have a little talk with The Almighty! I will thank Him over and over for this day – a day I have never seen and a day I will never see again. I will thank Him for the NEW memories I am making with my husband. Today WILL be a good Thanksgiving Day!

Please be safe and enjoy this Thanksgiving holiday. Until next time … be blessed!

I will not let time stand still

Sciatic nerve pain. That word has been positioned in my vocabulary since March. However, in the past weeks, I have been in constant pain. Excruciating pain at times. The kind where all you want to do is cry.

Have you ever experienced nerve pain? The kind of nagging, dull pain that is not easily cured with OTC drugs? The kind of pain that travels from the lower back, to the buttocks, to the tingling of the calf all the way down to the bottom of your feet? Well let me tell you … it is nothing to play with. I went to a physical therapist for 3 weeks. The last day I was there, my therapist realized that my pain was getting not better and my muscles were extremely tight around that nerve. She informed my doctor that physical therapy was not working and the next course of action is pain management. Geez… more pills.

I hate taking pills. It’s bad enough taking my regular meds, but adding more? So far, it is only a muscle relaxer and an NSAID until my next appointment. In the meantime, I had to have an MRI. *If you have never had an MRI and you are claustrophobic, please discuss with the medical staff about your anxiety.* Fortunately, I kept my eyes closed the entire time. If I opened them and realized there was only a 4 inch space between my nose and the machine, I would have panicked. And I would have left two 8.5 foot indentions in that machine by trying to kick my way to freedom. 😏 Seriously.

Shortly after midnight this past Sunday, awaken by pain, I decided to look on my patient portal just to see if there was any reports mentioned about the MRI. And there it was… the report that will tell me whether there is really something wrong with me or maybe my mind was playing tricks on my body.

As I read the report, I was toggling back and forth to a Google site to define the medical terms I didn’t recognize. Behold… there it was – the actual diagnosis. I am praying, though, that my doctor will ease my mind by telling me it is not as bad as it looks and that Google is over exaggerating. One thing I do know for sure that I cannot dispute. I am getting older and my body is not like it used to be.

As much as I hate to admit it, this has been an awakening for me. Time does not stand still for anyone. I need to use my time wisely because tomorrow is not promised. Pain… as long as I feel it it means I am still alive. I foresee a change in things to come. I will not let time stand still so my body can deteriorate. I have too many people depending on me.

So as I wait for my appointment this week, I will (try to) keep my overthinking as positive as possible. I’ll try.

Until next time … be blessed.

Have you ever?

Have you ever felt alone in a room filled with people? Have you ever felt unworthy when you are abundantly showered with blessings? Have you every felt like you are in a deep, dark hole even though the warmth of the sun is shining on your face? Have you ever wondered how blessed you are to be your age when you should have died a long time ago – but God spared you?

No? Well, these are the thoughts that encompass my brain constantly. Sometimes, it could be a thought-provoking question that keeps my mind working, which is not a bad thing. Other times, I could be over-thinking, which is unhealthy mentally. (Six of one, half a dozen of the other).

As of late, over-thinking has gained it’s momentum. I constantly worry about my children, dealing with my low self-esteem, after 3 hours into my day and then it seems like it’s time for bed – I am mentally exhausted. And on top of all of that, I have a ‘newborn’ at age 50 – an adorable Pug named Rico. Now I am physically exhausted on top of everything else. But looking at his face always brings a smile to mine.

Since it is 4:35 am, I might as well try to close my eyes for a couple of hours. Maybe my thinking will put me to sleep. We’ll see.

Until next time … be blessed.

Two deaths and a birth

Year 1996, that was the beginning of my life – two deaths and a birth. October is supposed to be a time of fall colors, changing weather and upcoming family celebrations. For me, it has been a bittersweet month for the last 23 years.

It all started in February 1996, I found out I was pregnant. What a scary yet exciting time for me. I was 27 years old and still at that age, I didn’t think about having kids. But this miracle happened – it was all in God’s plan. During this time, my father was in remission from leukemia for 3 years. And he was extremely excited about having his first grandchild. He called her Lucky.

At the end of March, my grandmother passed away. One night, I was calling her phone for about 30 minutes. I went to her house, but my knocks were never answered. An overwhelming feeling of dread came over me. I walked to her bedroom window and peeked through her see-through curtains. There she was, lying on the bathroom floor… dead. My best friend, my only friend, was gone.

My Daddy loved my grandmother (his mother-in-law). It was during this time that his leukemia relapsed. Her death took a toll on all of us. And as the months progressed, so did my belly, and so did his leukemia. I spent so much time waddling down the Oncology Floor, the nurses knew my name. One night, I stayed at the hospital overnight because my mother had to work. The doctor pulled me outside to talk about a high chemo drug they were going to give my Daddy. They even had a crash cart just outside his door. I never let on to Daddy that there could be any complications. I do remember the awful smell of ‘burning flesh’ but I had a talk with “Lucky” and told her I know the smell is awful but we can’t be nauseated – not tonight. I was so nervous … expecting the worst. But as always, my Daddy came through.

October is here. It did not give in to the events that was going to happen. It gave no clue. If only I could have had a warning of the things that were to come. However, if I did know, I probably would have handled it much worst. God knew what He was doing.

My grandmother’s birthday was October 25th. Such a sad day because I will never get to tell her happy birthday ever again. The evening of October 26th, I called to check on my Daddy at the hospital. He was too weak to hold the phone but I heard him talking to me through Momma. A few hours later, Momma called. I could hear the nervousness in her voice, making sure my 9 month pregnant self didn’t get hysterical. She asked if I can come to the hospital. By this time, I was due in 2 weeks, barely able to walk from being so tired. But I went. When I got in his room, I saw my Daddy lying on the bed, eyes half opened and the unmistakable sound of a death rattle. I was in a state of denial because my Daddy ALWAYS pulled through. Maybe he was just having a bad night. He’ll be ok in the morning. Momma told me to go home because I was so uncomfortable (looking back, I’m thinking she didn’t want me to see my Daddy take his last breath). As the time changed for daylight savings time, so did my Daddy’s transition. October 27th, my Daddy left this earth.

I couldn’t sleep, so I got up early to go to Momma’s house to be with her. Her main focus was to clean the house because she was sure to have visitors. But I know she just needed something to do because Momma always kept a clean house. I stayed there most of the day because, well, I really didn’t want to leave. Honestly, I can’t even remember if I cried. But eventually, I made it home… exhausted. I finally was able to get some rest.

5:30 a.m. on October 28th, the labor pains started. Lucky was about to be born. My baby was about to be born and my Daddy missed it by one day. 💔 My Daddy missed my baby girl. 💔 *sniff* My beautiful daughter has arrived and Daddy wasn’t here. Oh God!

The only comfort I received was someone telling me my Daddy saw my baby as he ascended to heaven and as she was descending from heaven. I took that message and kept it with me. Because my baby and I were in the hospital, I missed my Daddy’s funeral. I never got to say goodbye. I never got closure. I was never able to completely heal that open scar.

There are so many days I want to talk to my father. To tell him he has 2 of the most intelligent grandchildren walking the earth – a beautiful granddaughter and a handsome grandson. To tell him about my husband Mark, the man my Daddy had prayed would love me the way I should and deserved be loved. To tell him I am a Mom again to another teenage boy. To tell him I moved from SC to AL! So many things to talk about, but can’t.

So as the next few days approach, I am going to try and occupy my mind with other things. I am going to celebrate my daughter’s birthday ALL day because she has literally been the joy in my sorrow.

Psalm 30:5 Weeping my endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.

Until next time … be blessed!

I need to do better

It’s 3:25pm CT… and I haven’t eaten anything or even drank a sip of water. Why not? I don’t know. Just didn’t feel like eating, I guess. I haven’t been in a great mental space to do much of anything lately. That’s another post for another time.

I need to do better. I know that I need to do better. However when my mind is occupied with “stuff” sometimes it’s hard to grasp reality in that moment. That hunger headache will grab my attention soon though. I can guarantee that!

I need to be careful not to trigger another headache. I had a migraine from Sunday to Sunday… 8 straight days of pure agony. 8 days of wondering if it was the beginning stages of an aneurism… or a stroke … or ‘the end’. But I had to keep moving as if nothing was wrong. My usual – I’m ok.

So, I guess I better find something to eat before I fall out – literally – because of low blood sugar. But what do I want? 🤔

Until next time … be blessed!